In a radical move to tackle disruptive behaviour on buses, East Yorkshire pupils will be made to wear Hannibal Lecter style restraints during their journey to and from school, it emerged today.
In a joint move, East Yorkshire and Hull City councils are forcing bus companies to commence the refit programme following a recent incident in which pupils rigged a bomb to explode if a bus slowed below 50 miles per hour. Despite maintaining the required speed while bomb-squad officers made the device safe, angry parents are now suing the driver for endangering the lives of their children by speeding in a built-up area.
The restraints will include leg manacles to prevent kicking, a straitjacket to prevent punching and a face mask to stop the spitting, something which drivers haven’t had to endure since Bob Carolgees left the buses to further his career in ventriloquism.
Despite the Goole branch of the NSPCC condemning the plans as “a fucking disgrace”, one local parent who doesn’t rely on public transport was more positive: “We’ve been using this kind of restraint on our daily school run for some weeks now and little Timmy sits in the back as quiet as a mouse. I haven’t crashed the car for weeks, the gouges in the back of my head have started to heal and the Doctor says that any lasting brain damage should be minimal.”
She continued, “It’s invaluable at home too. It’s really quite emotional watching him with my one remaining eye as he consumes his daily mountain of chips and turkey twizzlers while downing two litres of full strength Coke, utterly powerless to threaten his younger sister, let alone disfigure her further with our Gordon Ramsay kitchenware.”
She added, “We may get a straitjacket for Polly too if she continues to use our bad parenting as an excuse for not finishing her homework, listening to Marilyn Manson and suffocating the homeless.”
Bus drivers also welcomed the news of increased safety, as Beppe DiMarco told us, “It’s about time. I’ve been worried about this for years. It’s not the cannibalistic eating of liver that’s most concerning, it’s the Chianti. Underage alcohol consumption on public transport? I’d lose my license.”
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